today is a new day

Yesterday was the first day since giving birth (thus, officially, becoming a mom) that I doubted myself and my abilities as a parent. For someone who is almost irrationally emotional sometimes, I had been pleasantly surprised by how easily I was able to take everything baby-related in stride and how naturally motherhood came to me. But after a fussy Saturday afternoon and evening, to be faced with an entire day of crying and screaming (Sunday) was not easy. I found myself getting worked up, stressed out, and crying right along with Bridget.

If you ask me why Bridget's been so fussy lately, I'll tell you I don't know. I have clues: she does what she can to avoid naps. The last (and longest) nap she's taken since Saturday morning was a 25-minute nap that afternoon. So, fighting naps already = overtired baby, but I don't think that's all of it. Sometimes I wonder if she's teething since she's incredibly drooly lately (I've given up on trying to keep her shirts dry) and--when I can get a glimpse inside there--I think I can actually see the outlines of her two front, top teeth underneath her gums. My imagination? I don't know. I do know that while kids can get teeth as early as three months (she'll be three months in less than two weeks), a lot of kids don't get them til several months later. I didn't get my first tooth til I was seven months old (having your own baby book helps!). And from what I've read, the bottom incisors usually appear first and I can't see anything in her bottom gums. If those are her teeth I'm seeing, they've got a way to go--about an eighth of an inch, I'd say--until they break through the gumline. If they're bothering her already? Oh, boy. Lots of fussy days and evenings ahead of me. I've been letting her have her pacifier more often on the off chance that they are teeth. Teethers won't fit into her tiny mouth yet.

Me, I've discovered that--especially on a fussy day like yesterday--I'm much better off at home alone with my daughter than trying to be around other people. Al was off yesterday, but actually got called in for a few hours in the morning. By the time he got back, Bridget had already eaten twice (she normally would have only eaten once in the amount of time he'd been gone) and had screamed quite a bit (refusing a nap, of course). She didn't really have her playtime yesterday morning--refused it--and instead I tried to keep her calm until her next feeding, which made us late getting over to my dad's house. Dad was having us and the rest of the family over for a barbecue. We left with a screaming baby and a panting dog in the backseat. Bridget fell asleep on the way there, but she woke up when the car stopped (normal for her). She was actually calm in her carseat until Uncle Erik picked her up (he loves his niece! It's so cute.). Then the screaming began in earnest. He got her calmed down after several minutes, I took a picture, and she started screaming again. I ended up feeding her while everyone else ate.

Hoping against hope that Bridget would take a nap when she finished eating, I put her in the Pack & Play that dad keeps at his house. She thought it was tummy time. Then daddy (Al) turned her over. She played for a few minutes, then the screaming began. Beth took her and tried to calm her down since I had said I needed an entire day off (impossible since I'm breastfeeding; even if someone took her, I'd be pumping several times during the day). It bothered me so much to try to let someone else calm her down that I went into a spare bedroom and cried. Then Al tried to calm me down and talk me out of going to get her from Beth. It didn't work. I never thought I'd be the mom who wouldn't hand her crying kid over to someone else, but it is so hard to hear her screaming and not do anything, especially since she definitely seems to prefer me lately (I can calm her down a lot easier than Al can, especially at night). I went up to Beth right when Bridget had calmed down, and then Bridget got cranky again (probably my fault again). The result? I ended up with her the rest of the night. She either sat and played in my lap or ate. When Dad (my dad) said Ryan and Rachel and the kids were on their way over, Erik warned, "Tell them not to pick up the babies--at least not Bridget." Oh, no. I'm becoming that type of a mom. Lord help me, I need to learn to let go. Already.

No real fussiness until right now this morning, and so far we're within her "normal" schedule. She's been in my lap for the last ten minutes reaching for a toy but is getting tired of that game. I'm now down to one-finger typing. We'll see how the rest of the day goes!